* Free dinners.
* You can cry without pretending there's something in your contact.
* Speeding ticket? What's that?
* You actually get extra points for sitting on your butt, watching sports.
* If you're a lousy athlete, you don't have to question your worth as a human being.
* A new lipstick gives you a whole new lease on life.
* In high school, you never had to walk down the hall with your binder strategically positioned.
* If you have to be home in time for Ally McBeal, you can say so, out loud.
* If you're not making enough money, you can blame the glass ceiling.
* If you're not very attractive, you can fool 'em with makeup.
* If you use self-tanner, it doesn't necessarily mean you're a big loser.
* You could possibly live your whole life without ever taking a group shower.
* Brad Pitt.
* You don't have to fart to amuse yourself.
* You'll never have to decide where to hide your nose-hair clippers.
* When you take off your shoes, nobody passes out.
* If the person you're dating is much better at something than you are, you don't have to break up with him.
* If you think the person your dating really likes you, you don't have to break up with him.
* If you don't shave, no one will know.
* If you're dumb, some people will find it cute.
* You don't have to memorize Caddyshack or Fletch to fit in.
* You can dress yourself.
* Your hair is yours to keep.
* If you ARE bald, people will think you did it on purpose, and you're really chic.
* You don't have to pretend to like cigars.
* You'll never have to blow 2 months salary on anything.
* If you marry someone 20 years younger, you know you look like an idiot.
* You're rarely compelled to scream at the TV.
* You and your friends don't have to get totally wasted in order to share your feelings.
* If you pick up the check once in a while, that's plenty.
* Sitting and watching people is all the entertainment you need.
* Your friend won't think you're weird when you ask if there's spinach in your teeth.
* When you get a million catalogues in the mail, it's a good thing.
* Sometimes, chocolate truly can solve all your problems.
* If you're under 6', you don't have to lie about it.
* You'll never regret piercing your ears.
* You can fully assess someone just by looking at his or her shoes.
* You'll never discover you've been fooled by a Wonderbra.
* You don't have hair on your back.
* If anything on your body isn't as big as it should be, you can get implants.
* You can tell which glass was yours by the lipstick mark.
* If you have big ears, no one has to know.
* You can be attracted to someone just because they're really funny.
* You can borrow your spouse's clothes and it doesn't mean you belong on Jerry Springer.