Misinterpretted History of Valentine's Day

Ancient Times: The beginnings of the holiday started with a dissident tribe of pagans, later identified as a band of Republican Presidential Candidates. At that time Hallmark cards were not able to use the modern techniques of printing such as inkjets and lasers. Instead the company used the blood of goats of dogs as primitive forms of ink. To keep the locals unsuspicious of their capitalistic exploitation of the holiday they presented the dead animals as a sacrifice to Lupercalia. Also the origins of dominatrix and sadomasochism are seen at this time when young men would use the hides to whip the infertile women of the town asking them "Who's yo' daddy?"

Christianity: Now, let the pagans have their uncivilized fun and festivals, and who has to come along and ruin it? First, it was PETA blowing the whistle on animal cruelty. Then it was the early Roman Catholic Church, who was jealous that the most exciting holiday on their calendar was forty days of giving something up. So, they adopted the holiday to have wild parties. They gave the holiday the new name of St. Valentine's Day. Saint Valentine performed secret marriages and was known in certain Bishops' circles as a master of Kama Sutra. Later, he was sentenced to death for some oppressive reason. Before his death he sent his lover a WallMart Dilbert Card ($2.85) signed "Your Valentine."

Medieval: In medieval Europe, the people believed that the 14th of February was the day that birds selected their mates. Hence the term "lovebirds." Wow, they sure were clever. They couldn't figure out how to cook meat, but they had time to think up witty phrases like, lovebirds. The first card was officially sent at this time, a Hallmark fold out, ($3.50) from a prisoner in France. The card was actually a cryptic message plotting his escape. Unfortunately, the wife was flattered by the message of love and ignored the plan. Later her husband was beheaded.

Victorian: Everything was mass-produced, and materialism killed the spirit of the holiday. Oh the joys of the Industrial Revolution. It turned the world into faceless masses, inspiring Ayn Rand novels, and in turn inspiring lots of college kids not to pursue a major in English.

Modern: Today children and lovers celebrate the holiday together. Children give candy hearts either for the sugar high or a peck on the cheek behind Mrs. Weidlemeyer's classroom. On the other hand, lovers exchange chocolate hearts. They become disillusioned, thinking that on that night, instead of performing the act of sex, they will delve into the art of making love. Lovers fill every restaurant in town, leaving singles to make reservations even at the drive-thru line at McDonalds.

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