Redneck Etiquette

General:

Never take a beer to a job interview.

Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.

It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.

If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.

Even if you're sure that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.

Dining Out:

When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the wine.

If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.

Entertaining in Your Home:

A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.

Do not allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his manners are.

Personal Hygiene:

While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's own truck keys.

Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.

Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.

Dating:

(Note: these rules apply both inside and outside the family)

Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.

Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago."

Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; Others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.

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