64 TV Axioms

- Good guys always shoot better than bad guys.

- Good guys are always outnumbered.

- Good guys always win and get the girl.

- Good guys are always good looking.

- Good guys are the only ones with a sense of humor.

- Good guys will only get shot in the arm or leg.

- Nothing cures the blues like killing 30 or 40 bad guys.

- Good guys don't take drugs.

- Heros wear clothes that dirt can't stick to.

- Ugly people are always bad guys.

- Bad guys will make elaborate inventions to kill the good guys, but they will never stick around to see if it works.

- The bad guy chickens out first.

- The police are smart.

- police never wait for back-up.

- Undercover cops are too good to be spotted, especially when wearing dark sunglasses.

- All police killings are in self-defense.

- Police chases must include a car going through a plate glass window.

- Car wheels screech on any corner, even on dirt.

- After being shot, there is always enough time to escape.

- The chances of getting into an accident increases proportionally as the car goes slower.

- Burglar alarm system's connection box is on the outside wall.

- Private detective work is glamorous.

- Cars will explode in all accidents.

- Court cases are all solved with a surprise witness.

- Teenagers who have sex are destined to die in grotesque ways.

- Teenagers are always smarter than their parents.

- High School students look thirty years old.

- The suburbs are exciting.

- Cream pies are made to be thrown, never eaten.

- All Chinese people know Karate.

- Indians make good fodder.

- All baseball games will be won with a home run in the bottom of the ninth with two outs and the bases loaded.

- Everybody wins in Las Vegas.

- Nobody has time to watch TV.

- Nobody ever has trouble finding parking spots when they are in a hurry.

- Housework is never needed.

- Street vendor's carts are magnetically attracted to high-speed car chases.

- Everyone knows how to pick a lock with one tool.

- The last 5 minutes of any TV show will expain the entire plot.

- The last 5 minutes will be stretched out for 20 minutes with commercials.

- In case of emergency, speak in cliches.

- 95 pound women in tight skirts can throw around 300 pound muscle-bound men.

- Fist-fights don't result in bruises.

- Helicopters are attracted to mountains.

- No one ever mumbles, stutters, or says "um..."

- People normally wake up in the morning with make-up on.

- There are no really ugly women, only really ugly men.

- If a women is running away from someone she will trip and fall.

- Your car will always start immediately unless you are being chased by a maniacal killer or a monster of genetic creation.

- Crazed maniacs have super-human strength.

- Everyone has a "dark" secret.

- Haunted houses are never locked.

- Murders will always be accompanied by sinister music.

- Rich people are unhappy.

- Thunderstorms spontaneously create murders.

- When someone is dead or dying, there will be a trickle of blood from the corner of their mouth.

- Christmas Eve and Halloween night last for three of four days.

- Midnight happens more than once in a monster movie.

- To kill a vampire, you must set out 5 minutes before sunset.

- Nobody ever realizes until the end of a monster movie, that everyone that went into the dark cellar never came out.

- The group always splits up to look for the alien.

- Movies based on true stories are always made up.

- Computers never crash.

- Teenagers can access any computer by using their home PC.

- Computers know everything.

- You must type frantically to keep a 3-D image moving on the screen.

- In the end, all resource limitations are overruled.

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