SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet. / FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle. / ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.
SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet. / FAULT: Improper bladder control. / ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.
SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless. / FAULT: Glass empty. / ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.
SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights. / FAULT: You have fallen over backward. / ACTION: Have yourself leashed to bar.
SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts. / FAULT: You have fallen forward. / ACTION: See above.
SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet. / FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face. / ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.
SYMPTOM: Floor blurred. / FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass. / ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.
SYMPTOM: Floor moving. / FAULT: You are being carried out. / ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.
SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark. / FAULT: Bar has closed. / ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.
SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures. / FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations. / ACTION: Cover mouth.
SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles. / FAULT: You are dancing on the table. / ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy-looking.
SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal-clear. / FAULT: It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up. / ACTION: Punch him.
SYMPTOM: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear. / FAULT: You have been in a fight. / ACTION: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.
SYMPTOM: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in. / FAULT: You've wandered into the wrong party. / ACTION: See if they have free beer.
SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted. / FAULT: The beer is too weak. / ACTION: Have more beer until your voice improves.
SYMPTOM: Don't remember the words to the song. / FAULT: Beer is just right. / ACTION: Play air guitar.
Submitted by: Rob