'Twas the night after Christmas, and boy, what a house!
I felt like the devil, and so did my spouse.
The eggnog and turkey and candy were swell,
But ten hours later they sure gave me hell.
The stockings weren't hung by the chimney with care.
The darn things were sprawled on the back of a chair.
The children were nestled all snug in their bed,
And I had a large cake of ice on my head.
When at long last I dozed off in a nap,
The ice woke me up as it fell in my lap.
For some unknown reason I wanted a drink,
So I started in feeling my way to the sink.
I got along fine 'til I stepped on the cat.
I cannot recall what occurred after that.
When I came to, the house was all flooded with light,
Although under the table I was high as a kite.
While visions of sugar plums danced in my head,
I somehow got up and climbed back into bed.
Then what to my wandering mind should appear,
But a miniature sleigh and eight tiny reindeer.
Then the sleigh seemed to change to a mammoth fire truck,
And each reindeer turned into a bleary-eyed buck.
I knew in a moment it must be old Nick.
I tried to cry out, but my tongue was too thick.
The old devil whistled and shouted with glee,
While each buck pawed the earth and looked daggers at me.
Then he called them by name and the names made me shudder.
When I heard them I felt like a ship minus rudder.
"Now Eggnog! Bacardi! Four Roes! and Brandy!
Now Fruit Cake! Cold Turkey! Gin Rickey! and Candy!
To the top of his house, to the top of his skull,
Now whack away, crack it with thumps that are dull!"
And then in a twinkling I felt on my roof
The prancing and pawing of each cloven hoof.
How long this went on I am sure I can't say,
Though it seemed an eternity plus a long day.
But finally the night after Christmas had passed,
And I found that I really could think straight at last.
So I thought of the New Year and few days away,
And I made me a vow that no tempter can sway.
I'm sticking to water, don't even want ice,
For there's nothing so tasty, or nothing so nice.
The night after New Year may bother some guys,
But I've learned my lesson, and brother, I'm wise.
You can have your rich food, and your liquor that's red,
But what goes to my stomach won't go to my head.
So here's "Happy New Year" to you one and all.
I'm back on the wagon. I hope I don't fall.