Another Letter from Santa
I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer be able to serve your area on Christmas Eve. Because of recent changes in my union contract renegotiated by North American Elves Local 209, I now serve only eastern Canada, certain areas of Wisconsin and the Michigan Upper Peninsula. However, I'm certain that your children will be in good hands with my replacement, my third cousin by my first wife, from the South Pole, Bubba Claus. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls, but there are a few differences between us, such as:
* There is no danger of a Grinch's stealing presents from Bubba Claus, who has a gun rack in his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads: "These toys insured by Smith and Wesson."
* Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave an RC and pork skins on the fireplace. And Bubba doesn't smoke a pipe. He does dip a little snuff, though, so please have a spit can handy.
* Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' coon dogs instead of reindeer. I lent him my reindeer one time, and Rudolph's head now rests over Bubba's fireplace.
* You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen ..." when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, on Wallace, on Martin and Boudreaux. On Rudd, on Jarrett, on Elliott and Petty."
* "Ho, ho, ho!" has been replaced by "Yeehaw!" And you also are likely to hear Bubba's elves respond, "I heard that!"
* As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh does have a bumper sticker for non-traditional vehicles "If you are close enough to read this... you ain't gettin' no presents!"
* The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on 34th Street" and "Ernest Saves Christmas" will not be shown in your area. Instead, you'll see some really classes movies about Bubba Claus made in the late 1970s. Many feature Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus, Jackie Gleason as a Grinch who says "You scumbum!" a lot, and dozens of state patrol cars crashing into each other.
* Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. I'd turn the other way when he bends over to put presents under the tree. "Plumber's cleavage" is NOT a pretty sight.
* Lovely Christmas songs have been sung about me, including Elvis' "Here Comes Santa Claus" and Madonna's remake of "Santa Baby." Until this year, songs about Bubba Claus have been played only on AM radio stations in Mississippi. They include such classics as Mark Chesnutt's "Bubba Claus Shot the Jukebox," David Allan Coe's "Willie, Waylon, Bubba Claus and Me," and Hank Williams Jr.'s "If You Don't Like Bubba Claus, You Can Kiss My Icicle."